drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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