"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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