I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
