She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize