Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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