Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
