EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
