Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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