I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
