Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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