OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
