Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i love accidental penises.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
