tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
