the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
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And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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