U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
