should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
