If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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