tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
