no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
