low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
