I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
