Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
