just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
