I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
