that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
