he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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