I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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