i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
