i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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