Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
