I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
