3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
