dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
