Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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