I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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