This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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