Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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