Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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