that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
