It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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