you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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