You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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