Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Found your dick twin last night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
