i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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