Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
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We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize