She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
