someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
