god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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