haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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