i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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