Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
