Already got asked if we're dating
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
