ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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