Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
