I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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