I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
