3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
